Amass confusion lies the truth, circling for the perfert moment

I've been up and down the last few days - feeling elated and defeated at the same time. It's been kind of ridiculous and interestingly amusing. I feel like I'm falling into the abyss they call depression but I slowly fighting - holding on to that rope a little longer. I moved in today - an event on its own. There were people that were unhappy, tired or frustrated. My room is a mess and the bathroom can not be described. I'm just not comfortable cuz I'm being hit on all sides by reality and I don't want to accept it. I don't want to remember that I'm going back to school, back to work that I seemily rejected last year. I'm afraid that I'll forget why school exists and fail. Fail. The act of falling to pieces. Something I'm very good at. But I'm going to try. I'm going to talk about my problems. Figure what I want to do because that darkness that I was feeling all of this morning and last night is going away by my own will and not somebody else's. I'm fighting my failure; I'm fighting my fears. I'll be one of the best students I can be and not my sister. Because this school accepted me on my own merits. I am worthy. I am going to get back in shape and be a newer me. Same person different outlook cuz I'm strong.
Problems:
I'm stuck in a shell that I can't seem to break. Though I think I've tried everything. I could blame it on a disease but I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I wish I could be somebody else so I don't have to deal. But I am going to ask for help. I'm not going to run. God did not put anyone on this earth to run.

Yuppers

Its been a couple days...well more than a couple...since I last wrote so I'm going to try to summarize everything.
a. I'm not getting a car - *problem*
b. job is waayyy to stressful
c. the need to be independent.
When my rents informed me that I wasn't getting a car...I didn't know exactly how angry I would get. I guess it pisses me off when people say they will do something, and they don't and you have no way of getting it. So that leads to my second problem - grudge holding. I really want to the person who can forgive and forget but it seems like I can't. It's like part of the whole reason why I hold things back from people cuz I know once I let them in and they hurt me - its all over. And I hate to see a good friendship be destroyed over that. So right now I'm being a real bitch to my parents and I'm trying to stop but that will take sometime.
In other news - I CAN'T WAIT TO STOP WORKING.
lol besides that, I wish I could start my life now - without having to worry about majors and careers. To be free and finiancially comfortable is that utlimate dream that I can't seem to access. I need to stop doing that right? Putting myself down once I start thinking of things I want to do.
Think positive for once.
Once school starts, that's what I'm going to do - push against the boundaries I have set for myself. Achieve something great at WM. Even though, they prob accepted me just cuz of my sister...I still have a base. I'm a good person, I just hve to believe it...

I know its been a couple of days. Fams been moving around a lot so by the time I got back it would be too late to do anything but sleep. Anywho, what is there to say...I feel pressured. I think that it is the right word to use. Everywhere I look money is needed. Money that I am not currently making a lot of and wish I had more. That leads to me thinking about my dream - literally dream about this every night.
To be another person is so much easier for me than being myself. I find that scary and enlightening at the same time. But as my parents have said over and over...entertainment is not a stable career option...so is that what I would imagine them to say if I told them. So that is what I've been thinking about lately. How to balance my dreams with the praticality of life - if that makes sense.
*sigh*
lemme ponder...

peace