Moving

I was broached with the idea of moving in with two of my friends, excited at first and now I'm so much. They click, I click with each of them but when they are together they click more than I click. They are avid partyers and I'm not. They each have drinking fantasies - I don't. I feel that if I move, I'll get shafted. This isn't working.
This isn't working.

Distractions of Open Minds

When there is something irking but over time you have accustomed yourself to its bugging habits. so you bury it along with other mundane things. Well, that thing keeps you from sleeping when you need it - its slow burning in your chest.
I'm frustrated. Very frustrated.
Two of my close friends have problems I can't fix. Nothing I can do to stop from hurting. At the same time, I don't want to be reminded of their problems because it makes me feel inadequate. I can't help them. So that is why I am still up after only getting 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm being bugged by my heart. every where I turn i see problems for goodness sake I can look at myself as see pain. And I can't ignore it. I think I need a break from people, major break so my heart and mind can stop worrying.
But now I need to sleep.
this didn't really help
oh well.

Amass confusion lies the truth, circling for the perfert moment

I've been up and down the last few days - feeling elated and defeated at the same time. It's been kind of ridiculous and interestingly amusing. I feel like I'm falling into the abyss they call depression but I slowly fighting - holding on to that rope a little longer. I moved in today - an event on its own. There were people that were unhappy, tired or frustrated. My room is a mess and the bathroom can not be described. I'm just not comfortable cuz I'm being hit on all sides by reality and I don't want to accept it. I don't want to remember that I'm going back to school, back to work that I seemily rejected last year. I'm afraid that I'll forget why school exists and fail. Fail. The act of falling to pieces. Something I'm very good at. But I'm going to try. I'm going to talk about my problems. Figure what I want to do because that darkness that I was feeling all of this morning and last night is going away by my own will and not somebody else's. I'm fighting my failure; I'm fighting my fears. I'll be one of the best students I can be and not my sister. Because this school accepted me on my own merits. I am worthy. I am going to get back in shape and be a newer me. Same person different outlook cuz I'm strong.
Problems:
I'm stuck in a shell that I can't seem to break. Though I think I've tried everything. I could blame it on a disease but I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I wish I could be somebody else so I don't have to deal. But I am going to ask for help. I'm not going to run. God did not put anyone on this earth to run.

Yuppers

Its been a couple days...well more than a couple...since I last wrote so I'm going to try to summarize everything.
a. I'm not getting a car - *problem*
b. job is waayyy to stressful
c. the need to be independent.
When my rents informed me that I wasn't getting a car...I didn't know exactly how angry I would get. I guess it pisses me off when people say they will do something, and they don't and you have no way of getting it. So that leads to my second problem - grudge holding. I really want to the person who can forgive and forget but it seems like I can't. It's like part of the whole reason why I hold things back from people cuz I know once I let them in and they hurt me - its all over. And I hate to see a good friendship be destroyed over that. So right now I'm being a real bitch to my parents and I'm trying to stop but that will take sometime.
In other news - I CAN'T WAIT TO STOP WORKING.
lol besides that, I wish I could start my life now - without having to worry about majors and careers. To be free and finiancially comfortable is that utlimate dream that I can't seem to access. I need to stop doing that right? Putting myself down once I start thinking of things I want to do.
Think positive for once.
Once school starts, that's what I'm going to do - push against the boundaries I have set for myself. Achieve something great at WM. Even though, they prob accepted me just cuz of my sister...I still have a base. I'm a good person, I just hve to believe it...

I know its been a couple of days. Fams been moving around a lot so by the time I got back it would be too late to do anything but sleep. Anywho, what is there to say...I feel pressured. I think that it is the right word to use. Everywhere I look money is needed. Money that I am not currently making a lot of and wish I had more. That leads to me thinking about my dream - literally dream about this every night.
To be another person is so much easier for me than being myself. I find that scary and enlightening at the same time. But as my parents have said over and over...entertainment is not a stable career option...so is that what I would imagine them to say if I told them. So that is what I've been thinking about lately. How to balance my dreams with the praticality of life - if that makes sense.
*sigh*
lemme ponder...

peace

The Commencement

So, this is my first post as a blogger. For those who need to know, this is an experiment of sorts. I've never been one to keep a journal or diary, always forgot about it once the excitement of keeping one ends. So I'm going to try my best to keep this going and go the nine yards. Therefore, if you are reading this, reminding me to write will be of great help.
Alright, it's my belief that I'm suppose to treat this like a journal so lets start.
The last couple of weeks have been eye openers. I started a job that I absolutely hate but some reason still working there. Oh yea, its for the paycheck that comes every two weeks. It's my first job or *summer* job thus I have a feeling this is some passage that I have to go through during my teen years. Now, as I revealed earlier it's really hard for me to keep things going. I'm more of a thinker than a taker. I can sit for hours going over plans in my head, taking tedious notes for the perfect moment but when that moment comes, I fail miserably.
I've already lost my orientation job because of this; though they've insured me a second job in the spring. I'll see how that works out. I wasn't even that sad when I lost it because in my head, I've already made another excuse for it so I can remove part of the blame for myself. Isn't that sad? So hopefully, this blog will help me see through my mistakes. Don't know if I'm asking for too much though.
As of right now, at this point in life, I feel that I can define myself as a failure because I have no desire for acquiring things. I want my name to be known - for it to be chanted but I have no drive to getting there. At school, I have to force myself to realize why I'm there and how I got there...
well still figuring that out. Can't quit because that will break my mother's heart and destroy my father and especially from seeing my brother situation - I can't quit. I need to finish. Need to get a degree and start life.
But Something is holding me back and I think it's rejection...let me mull over that til the next post.
Now a moment to brood.