Something dark Something new

I learned a fact today. A horrid fact that I can't seem to process, or afraid to process. I can't understand but at the same time refuse to accept what is in front of me. Someone was deprived of aspects of life I think everyone should have because they have the right to it. Yet, this person accepts it as a way of life; that it was a way of life. I'm just so confused on how to deal with the information. Do I face it head on and accept what has happened? Or attempt to think and confront the issue head on? It makes me physically sick to think about it. Wishing, hoping and praying that I can get over it tonight...so I can look at the person tomorrow.

The pain, the stitches and the pressure must have been bearable because it was custom. She relied on her reasoning to push through. Never knowing what was left behind, what was never felt. Taking away what was given freely. However, faith goes so far.

I'm too disgusted/confused/sick to continue.

New Years Resolution

I've been pretty lax in keeping up with this blog. Though I've always wanted a place to write my thoughts, they tend to end up on random pages or word docs. This year I will try to organize this vast space I call a brain to control the ideas that seem to flow out. Over the next 365 days, this will be my venting machine (if that makes sense).

So for the very first day of an important year - I thought of making Shepard's Pie. I've always wanted to try it but rarely find the guts to buy a sample or try at parties. So in the kitchen's willingly, by the end of the week there will be pie.

Lyric of the day:

The first time I saw you I knew
That nothing ends that wont start anew
It’s a simple wish that we ask sometimes
To let it stay til the end of time

-Sandi Thom

Excerpt

Who are you to understand how to grieve, how to react and to live? Were you there? Did you see the blood? Did you hold her hand as she shut her eyes in pain? I was. I squeezed so tight so that she couldn't feel any other pain. Spoke words that I can't remember even remember right now. *rake hand through hair and sighs* I pulled her in and cradled what was left. Said *my* good-byes. So please leave me and my abnormal grieving attitude alone because I saw enough to last me a lifetime

Last Couple of Tays

It's been awhile since the last post. I keep trying to keep up with my head but putting them on paper seems to be getting harder. I just don't want to have to categorize them, just let them filter through. If they gain any attention, it might just be disastrous. Ha this sounds like a plea for help - which didn't help. I think I need to focus on the end of it all. The years of schooling and put it behind me. I've learned a lot about people and mostly me. I guess this rambling means that the world I believed to be just isn't.
Putting my head to the ground.

"I don't believe in a lot of things but I do believe in duct tape"

She looked at him, staring down the illusion while attempting to justify if its there. Her hands urged her forward, to at least grasp the fringes but the brain halted any movements. Hurt, it said. He means hurt. Lowering her gaze, she understood. Move on was the moral of the story. Slowly, she pivoted on her heel and walked away.

Moving

I was broached with the idea of moving in with two of my friends, excited at first and now I'm so much. They click, I click with each of them but when they are together they click more than I click. They are avid partyers and I'm not. They each have drinking fantasies - I don't. I feel that if I move, I'll get shafted. This isn't working.
This isn't working.

Distractions of Open Minds

When there is something irking but over time you have accustomed yourself to its bugging habits. so you bury it along with other mundane things. Well, that thing keeps you from sleeping when you need it - its slow burning in your chest.
I'm frustrated. Very frustrated.
Two of my close friends have problems I can't fix. Nothing I can do to stop from hurting. At the same time, I don't want to be reminded of their problems because it makes me feel inadequate. I can't help them. So that is why I am still up after only getting 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm being bugged by my heart. every where I turn i see problems for goodness sake I can look at myself as see pain. And I can't ignore it. I think I need a break from people, major break so my heart and mind can stop worrying.
But now I need to sleep.
this didn't really help
oh well.

Amass confusion lies the truth, circling for the perfert moment

I've been up and down the last few days - feeling elated and defeated at the same time. It's been kind of ridiculous and interestingly amusing. I feel like I'm falling into the abyss they call depression but I slowly fighting - holding on to that rope a little longer. I moved in today - an event on its own. There were people that were unhappy, tired or frustrated. My room is a mess and the bathroom can not be described. I'm just not comfortable cuz I'm being hit on all sides by reality and I don't want to accept it. I don't want to remember that I'm going back to school, back to work that I seemily rejected last year. I'm afraid that I'll forget why school exists and fail. Fail. The act of falling to pieces. Something I'm very good at. But I'm going to try. I'm going to talk about my problems. Figure what I want to do because that darkness that I was feeling all of this morning and last night is going away by my own will and not somebody else's. I'm fighting my failure; I'm fighting my fears. I'll be one of the best students I can be and not my sister. Because this school accepted me on my own merits. I am worthy. I am going to get back in shape and be a newer me. Same person different outlook cuz I'm strong.
Problems:
I'm stuck in a shell that I can't seem to break. Though I think I've tried everything. I could blame it on a disease but I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I wish I could be somebody else so I don't have to deal. But I am going to ask for help. I'm not going to run. God did not put anyone on this earth to run.